I Gave Sadie Away

After several very hard weeks with Sadie, and then a couple good days, and then some very difficult days, I didn't think I could take it any more. Nothing was making sense anymore. I'm not sure if it ever did make sense. Is she angry and agitated because she isn't getting enough sleep? If so why isn't she sleeping well? Is the behavior related to the lack of sleep or is the lack of sleep related to the behavior? Why are some days so great and then weeks of terrible behavior?
All these questions kept leading back to a fear I have for Sadie--bipolar. Everything seems so cyclical and nothing else makes sense. Parents of ADHD children describe their children as being happy, lovable, excitable, fidgety, distractable, hyperactive kids. Sadie is all of these except the happy most of the time. Happiness is something she experiences at times but it is not a word I would use to describe her most of the time. She is ANGRY! She is so angry that she doesn't even know why most of the time. Yes, sometimes she is angry because I tell her "no" to something she wants. Other times she is just angry.
She had a meltdown a couple of nights ago and my husband and I really just wanted to know what was going on in her head. We decided to throw consistency out the window in order to accomplish this mission. We asked Sadie what it was she wanted. We offered up all her favorite things; back rubs, dessert, a drink, playing alone with us. We told her she could have whatever she wanted she just needed to tell us what it was. She continued to meltdown, and we left her alone in her room. After about 20 minutes she had calmed down and I went back in to her room and gave her a hug. I asked her what was going on and why she was so upset. Her answer, "I don't know."
After these experiences I am left with fear and questions. It must be bipolar right? Her doctors won't diagnosis bipolar until she is much older. If it is anxiety (which she is diagnosed with) they can't treat that with medication right now either, due to mental heath issues relating to her biological mother. We have a therapist, but he works mostly with me and my husband, and we are told that therapy for her will probably start when she is around 9. So where does that leave us?
It leaves me scared. It leaves me questioning everything. It left me asking for prayer in my Sunday School class. This was a prayer request that I had a hard time putting words to, and I didn't give very much detail. I asked for prayer for Sadie because we weren't sure what was going on with her little brain.
The next morning was Monday. She woke up happy (sigh of relief). My husband had left earlier that morning for a business trip and wouldn't be back until Friday. The week before he had been gone also and I didn't think I could handle a repeat performance of that week. As I went to get Sadie's meds the thought occurred to me to not give them to her. I decided to see what would happen if she went to school unmedicated. She seemed unusually calm and I wanted to see how her day would go.
All day I kept waiting for the school to call and they never did. At the end of the day I checked with her teacher to see how her day had been. The teacher didn't have anything to report. Tuesday same thing...Wednesday field trip, I went along, no problems. I sent her to school all week without medication and there have been no problems.
Sunday I walked into church and it dawned on me that those women from Sunday School had been praying for me, for Sadie. It was in that very moment that I remembered that Sadie is not mine. She belongs to GOD.
Fear does not come from the LORD, and I had been walking in fear. I don't think that this is a miracle healing (although I am not opposed to the idea). I am not sure what last week was about. Maybe God knew I needed a gentle reminder that HE is in control, that he loves Sadie and has a plan for her. Maybe Sadie had a great week because God knew I needed a little reprieve. Maybe it was a reminder of the power of prayer. I have no idea but I really enjoyed my happy little girl last week.
I was reading a Blog a couple weeks ago that featured a college student with ADHD. In her interview she encouraged parents to let their children be children and have a day off from medication once in a while. When I read it my thoughts were, you don't know my child. She is not just busy and active...that I could handle most of the time. That is what I handled last week. Sadie was busy, she didn't stay on any one task very long, she didn't want to sit and color after school like she usually does, but she was happy.
I still haven't given her her medication. She is very busy and has had some meltdowns the last couple of days, but I really feel like I need to wait to see if the anger will come back on it's own or if it is the medication causing some of the moodiness. In the mean time, I have given her to God. I will continue to pray for her just as I always have, but in a new way. I will not only pray for answers from doctors and for her future, but I will now pray from a place of faith rather than fear. What a relief it is to lay this burden down.
God has this all in control, he has a plan, and I will trust in it.