Dear Birth MOM

Dear Sadie’s Birth Mom-

First and for most, I must say thank you. You gave life to my daughter. You carried my Sadie inside of your body for 36 weeks, and for that I am eternally grateful. We prayed and we waited, we were heart broken, and then we received our beautiful daughter through you.

Looking at what little I know of your situation, a lot of people would say that Sadie was a mistake. A baby conceived to a mentally ill mother who is working the streets is not a planned pregnancy that is for certain. But I know God does not make mistakes, and I know that my Sadie is not a mistake. Looking backwards at the timing is amazing! You conceived Sadie the same week we started our foster to adopt licensing process, which was about a year after we moved to Texas. We had several children in our home that we thought might be ours, but it never worked out with any of them. We had our hearts broke several times before Sadie arrived. A week after we received her, my husband applied for a new job out of state. We moved the day after the adoption finalized. I really think God only had us in Texas to pick up our baby girl.

I know that Sadie is going to have a lot of questions about you and I have no idea what to tell her. Do I tell her that her mom was in a State Hospital when she gave birth? Do I tell her what your diagnosis is, or will that scare her? What do I tell her about her biological father and how she was conceived? Do I tell her that I think that you didn’t have a great childhood and it made your illness worse? Do I tell her that you didn’t take your medication and it made you really sick? I know I will tell her you loved her enough to give her life and to give her a family that could love her and care for her.

I wish I had a picture of you to give to her. I wish that I could see you, and what you look like. When I check the box for her ethnicity I have no idea what box is actually the truth. She is so beautiful! You have no idea what you gave up. She has these eyes that are amazing. They are huge, and green, and sparkle with mischief, her eye lashes are long and thick and everything a girl could ever want. Sadie excels at gymnastics and has been doing perfect cartwheels since she was 3 years old, and now at 6 can do back handsprings. She is creative and loves to sing, when she thinks no one is listening. She is a great little reader in school, and loves to make books. She is fun, silly, exuberant, and emotional.

Sadie also struggles. I’m not sure if these struggles are hereditary, if they are from things that she was exposed to prenatally, or if it is just a part of who Sadie was created to be. When she was 4 years old she was diagnosed with ADHD and co morbid Anxiety disorder. She has sleep issues, an extremely high pain tolerance, a hard time with impulsivity, and anger issues, among other thing that come along with her diagnosis. Did you struggle with these things as a child? Did anyone help you? Answers to these questions would help me so much as I try to do my best to help Sadie with these struggles.

There is an internal battle within me because I am grateful to you for the gift of this beautiful child, but I am also irate! How could you not take better care of yourself with my child in your body? How could you bring potential harm to this baby who has no voice in the matter? Why do you continue to have children when you do not have the capability to care for them not the desire? Do you have any idea how much harder you have made my Sadie’s life?

I am guessing that like most adopted children that she will think about you on her birthday every year. She will wonder if she looks like you. Do you have those beautiful green eyes? Did you have a hard time controlling your body? Were you good at cartwheels? Did clothing make you irritable? Do you like the color purple too? Do you like apples and peanut butter? Do you think about her too? Do wonder what she looks like? I can answer these questions myself but I would rather have someone to blame for her struggles. I love her so much, see all her potential, and yet wish for life to be easier for her than it is. I pray that you will take care of yourself, that you will be healthy enough to someday answer some of these questions for her. I pray that you will be alive when she asks to find you.

When you signed papers to relinquish that baby in the hospital you did not sever all ties. In the heart of my baby girl there will always be a place for a person she does not know. Someone she can not wrap her mind or hands around. Someone she will call her “biological mother”, but she will feel that she has closer ties with then anyone else in this world. I know that I will always be her mommy, her mom, the person who gets the honor to care for her. Thank you for sharing that title with me for this life time.

With Love,
Sarah